Letters Again.

These are to the people that live with or around me, I've had just about enough.

To all concerned:

First off, I know that there are actually NONE of you that are concerned about the 3 of us in the building that have to sleep during the day, thanks to our night work schedules. So we'll skip ahead to the personal attacks.

Dear Roommate,

Dude. I understand that your wife is a controlling psycho, and should probably invest in a ball gag. This is based on what I can pick up from your daytime shout matches en espanol, that makes me sound like I am on the set of a Puerto Rican soap opera. I swear to god I'm going to take apart your computer at night while you sleep, and disable your video card. And if you could please not leave your wet laundry hanging over MY bed, that would be cool as well. Oh, and maybe one more thing. Go see a medic, as soon as possible. There is something wrong with shitting yourself as hard as you do in your sleep. I saw your sheets fly off the bed one time man, that ain't right. I think it's aids.

Dear Guy Across the Hall,

Motherfucker. If you keep yelling to my roommate from your side of the building at lunchtime, I'm going to stab you. No warning, you are getting shanked in the hallway. He doesn't even like you anyways, which is why he doesn't answer. (or he is on skype screaming at his wife, again) This of course, only makes you louder to the point that you bang on the door. Keep it up champ, keep it up.

Dear Guy in the Room to My Left,

Come on man, everyone locks their keys in their place at least once in their lives. You apparently do it on purpose, because every day at some random time you must scale the plywood walls that surround our domociles, knocking shit off of my shelf and onto my head. Because you insist on always wearing the correct uniform (tool), I'm going to tie your key to a long string. The other end is going on your boot, so your key is forced to follow you around like a small child. If you fail at that, I'm just going to make it so your door doesn't ever lock. No one is going to steal your shit you asshat, which is why everyone leaves their doors open anyway.

Dear Guy in the Room to My Right,

Where the fuck did you get your lightbulb? I imagine you picked it up directly from the FUCKING SUN! Seriously, how is it that in the middle of the day, your light generates more power than what goes on outfuckingside. I get blasted with photons right about the time I'm trying to sleep because your wombat eyes won't adjust to natural light, and you can for some reason never find any of your shit.

Dear Guy Somewhere Down the Hall,

Yeah you know who the fuck you are, stop playing your cheesy ass mariachi bullshit in the mornings. "Ay, ay, ay ayyyy" doensn't pump anyone up. I want to gorilla stomp your radio back to its natural elements. Except for plastic, which does not exist in nature. But I digress, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR MUSIC, that's why headphones were introduced to the modern world. Get on it dude.

Dear Rooster That Used to Live Outside my Window,

You were delicious.