So I had an incredibly awesome birthday this week. In fact, I'd venture to say it was the best one I've ever had. I don't ever recall actually "celebrating" my birthday. When I was little, it was just another day to get presents. As I grew up, I realized that it's not really about the gifts, but instead thought it was silly that someone would give you things just because you've stayed alive for another year.
Now I know better. My 25th anniversary of being born opened my eyes to a lot of the things I never knew I was missing in life. I got off work at about 4am on the morning of my birthday. On a typical day here, I will leave work and head to the gf's room and wait patiently (ok, not so patiently) for her to swing by for some early morning work distractions. I figured it would be the same for this day, but I would be wrong. Instead when I got to her room, I opened the door to see a little microwavable birthday cake with a candle, lit in the middle of the room. The gf was waiting behind the door, and gave me a big hug and a "happy brithday" whisper in my ear. My first thought was something along the lines of 'what did I do to deserve this much awesomeness?'. We ended up sharing the cake sitting on the floor, with the only light coming from the glow of her laptop screen. Romantic, right? Hell yes it was.
A lot of things that I think about from day to day were once again confirmed as I was munching on cake, completely in love with the woman sitting across from me. I'm sure there are skeptics that would say that it's too soon to know if it really is love. Well, who are they to define it? I don't think that there is a single definition for love, because it's an indescribable emotion really and it's different for everyone. The only thing I know is that all of my fears, all of my worries, and my eternally cynical mind are all sedated when I see her smile. Everything is right in my world when she takes my hand, and it warms me inside. Dear god this is getting mushy.
You know what? This one will stay mushy.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Welcome to December, and welcome to life.
It's strange how life events will teach you things about yourself. On December 1st, my grandfather passed away in his sleep. It's been coming for a long time, and he even exceeded the doctors' expectations by over 5 weeks. He went just the way he wanted, sleeping in his bed at home after a long life full of adventure, chaos, and most importantly; love. Most people would grieve, and mourn the loss of such a great man. I just don't have that in me. Instead I reminisce about how privileged I was just to know him, and remember the years of wisdom that he instilled in me. I am sad for my grandmother however, who lost her life partner. They were married for 57 years, just 31 days shy of 58. I don't know what she's going to do now, and I don't look forward to the day that I go through that kind of loss.
I have always felt the need to show emotional strength, wear a coat of armor around my heart if you will. I am frustrated that I'm not as sad as everyone else to be honest, because I feel less human somehow. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't see death the same way that most people do. However in turn, it disheartens me that I can't empathize with my loved ones so I end up sad anyways.
This is the time that I would shut myself off to the world, go cold and bottle everything up. I've always had to deal with my mental issues and stress on my own, mostly due to my own stubbornness. People always reach out to me, but because I have already shut down emotionally I shun them. This became painfully obvious this week when I tried to push away the one person that matters. I was short fused and unnecessarily rude... maybe even spiteful. I didn't even notice until she called me on it. There is no excuse for something like that, and not the kind of person that I want to be. I'm grateful that she brought it up, because it made me get to the root of this emotional ineptitude.
What I have figured out so far: I am not used to having someone that I KNOW I can rely on in a time of massive stress. I've got friends that will always listen, even when I'm being retarded (lookin at you AJ)... but never someone so close. I always have made myself project an image of stability and relative logic and sanity. I feel that if I'm not in control, I am useless. I hate feeling weak, and I really don't like people seeing me sad. So what do I do?? I push people away and isolate myself until I get over it so they don't see the chinks in the armor that I've built up my whole life.
The good news? I finally DO have someone that won't see me as "weak" or less of a man because I get sad every once in a while. I'd certainly like to be happy all the time, but it's not going to happen. That would be inhuman. And now that I've been called on my shenanigans, I can work on accepting the fact that it's okay to have feelings, and it's okay to lean on those you love. It won't happen over night, but it will happen.
So Steph, when you read this... I'm sorry that I pushed you away from me and acted like an ass. That won't happen again, I can't afford to drag you under when all you are doing is helping me stay afloat. Thank you for being there for me, even when I didn't -think- I needed you. (I was wrong, in case that wasn't balatantly obvious.) We'll make it out of here in spite of everyone being against us, because we can.
And to everyone else that reads this blog, which I know is a small number... Thank you, too. Thanks for not letting me drown in my thoughts, and for being there when it matters. I truly appreciate it. :)
I have always felt the need to show emotional strength, wear a coat of armor around my heart if you will. I am frustrated that I'm not as sad as everyone else to be honest, because I feel less human somehow. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't see death the same way that most people do. However in turn, it disheartens me that I can't empathize with my loved ones so I end up sad anyways.
This is the time that I would shut myself off to the world, go cold and bottle everything up. I've always had to deal with my mental issues and stress on my own, mostly due to my own stubbornness. People always reach out to me, but because I have already shut down emotionally I shun them. This became painfully obvious this week when I tried to push away the one person that matters. I was short fused and unnecessarily rude... maybe even spiteful. I didn't even notice until she called me on it. There is no excuse for something like that, and not the kind of person that I want to be. I'm grateful that she brought it up, because it made me get to the root of this emotional ineptitude.
What I have figured out so far: I am not used to having someone that I KNOW I can rely on in a time of massive stress. I've got friends that will always listen, even when I'm being retarded (lookin at you AJ)... but never someone so close. I always have made myself project an image of stability and relative logic and sanity. I feel that if I'm not in control, I am useless. I hate feeling weak, and I really don't like people seeing me sad. So what do I do?? I push people away and isolate myself until I get over it so they don't see the chinks in the armor that I've built up my whole life.
The good news? I finally DO have someone that won't see me as "weak" or less of a man because I get sad every once in a while. I'd certainly like to be happy all the time, but it's not going to happen. That would be inhuman. And now that I've been called on my shenanigans, I can work on accepting the fact that it's okay to have feelings, and it's okay to lean on those you love. It won't happen over night, but it will happen.
So Steph, when you read this... I'm sorry that I pushed you away from me and acted like an ass. That won't happen again, I can't afford to drag you under when all you are doing is helping me stay afloat. Thank you for being there for me, even when I didn't -think- I needed you. (I was wrong, in case that wasn't balatantly obvious.) We'll make it out of here in spite of everyone being against us, because we can.
And to everyone else that reads this blog, which I know is a small number... Thank you, too. Thanks for not letting me drown in my thoughts, and for being there when it matters. I truly appreciate it. :)
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