Welcome to December, and welcome to life.

It's strange how life events will teach you things about yourself. On December 1st, my grandfather passed away in his sleep. It's been coming for a long time, and he even exceeded the doctors' expectations by over 5 weeks. He went just the way he wanted, sleeping in his bed at home after a long life full of adventure, chaos, and most importantly; love. Most people would grieve, and mourn the loss of such a great man. I just don't have that in me. Instead I reminisce about how privileged I was just to know him, and remember the years of wisdom that he instilled in me. I am sad for my grandmother however, who lost her life partner. They were married for 57 years, just 31 days shy of 58. I don't know what she's going to do now, and I don't look forward to the day that I go through that kind of loss.

I have always felt the need to show emotional strength, wear a coat of armor around my heart if you will. I am frustrated that I'm not as sad as everyone else to be honest, because I feel less human somehow. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't see death the same way that most people do. However in turn, it disheartens me that I can't empathize with my loved ones so I end up sad anyways.

This is the time that I would shut myself off to the world, go cold and bottle everything up. I've always had to deal with my mental issues and stress on my own, mostly due to my own stubbornness. People always reach out to me, but because I have already shut down emotionally I shun them. This became painfully obvious this week when I tried to push away the one person that matters. I was short fused and unnecessarily rude... maybe even spiteful. I didn't even notice until she called me on it. There is no excuse for something like that, and not the kind of person that I want to be. I'm grateful that she brought it up, because it made me get to the root of this emotional ineptitude.

What I have figured out so far: I am not used to having someone that I KNOW I can rely on in a time of massive stress. I've got friends that will always listen, even when I'm being retarded (lookin at you AJ)... but never someone so close. I always have made myself project an image of stability and relative logic and sanity. I feel that if I'm not in control, I am useless. I hate feeling weak, and I really don't like people seeing me sad. So what do I do?? I push people away and isolate myself until I get over it so they don't see the chinks in the armor that I've built up my whole life.

The good news? I finally DO have someone that won't see me as "weak" or less of a man because I get sad every once in a while. I'd certainly like to be happy all the time, but it's not going to happen. That would be inhuman. And now that I've been called on my shenanigans, I can work on accepting the fact that it's okay to have feelings, and it's okay to lean on those you love. It won't happen over night, but it will happen.

So Steph, when you read this... I'm sorry that I pushed you away from me and acted like an ass. That won't happen again, I can't afford to drag you under when all you are doing is helping me stay afloat. Thank you for being there for me, even when I didn't -think- I needed you. (I was wrong, in case that wasn't balatantly obvious.) We'll make it out of here in spite of everyone being against us, because we can.

And to everyone else that reads this blog, which I know is a small number... Thank you, too. Thanks for not letting me drown in my thoughts, and for being there when it matters. I truly appreciate it. :)