Trust.

I think it's fair to say that I am a middle of the road, average person [not really]. However, my childhood was neither hard, nor easy. There are many times in my life that I have had to rely on my trust for people, and humanity in general, and they/it have failed me. I tend to never learn anything the simple way, but always by harsh lesson to be taught by the coldest of personalities.

From the ages of 15, to well... a few weeks ago, I had only really trusted a quantity of people that I could count on one hand. I have relied on myself for happiness, which has been slightly difficult to attain. In theory, I know all the keys to happiness and a life full of laughter and glee. In practice, I have found that I am apparently full of shit and just lying to myself. It should be easy, I think. I think. Perhaps that is the source of my problems in general... having an over-active brain. My brain sabotages itself repeatedly, filling with bile and hatred, imagining scenarios that have less that a .001% chance of ever happening. Those are the ones that play out fully in my mind, and take up most of my active thought. "Stop doing that" is some great advice, if I could figure out how.

The reason I bring this all up, is because I'm trying a totally different approach right now. The wonderfully amazing woman that I am seeing, makes me want to give real trust a try. The situation that we are in is more complicated than calculus to a pre-schooler. There are a lot of things in the next few months that are going to try me as an individual, as a boyfriend, and as a man in general. I hope that I can rise to the challenge, because the potential is too great to quit on. A lot of people would say I'm foolish, rushing into things, not considering the outcome, and just having a general disregard for what is reasonable. Well, who cares. Maybe I am, but this is where I am right now. I am putting everything that I am on the line, and if this fails it will be the biggest blow to my heart I've ever experienced.

I am resilient, of strong character, and I have an unsubstantiated faith that everything will turn out alright in the end like a cheesy hollywood movie. It figures that the biggest influences in my life are teachings of people that lived hundreds of years before me, in a different culture altogether. The Dalai Lama (thanks AJ), Buddha, Bob Marley, and other influential people to the world. So, I'll cross my fingers, hold my breath, knock on wood and try not to find any black cats to cross my path for the next 16 weeks.

Ready, go.