Has the world gone mad?

I sit and ponder this simple notion on a daily basis. Has the world gone insane, or is it just me? I seem to wage wars in my own mind over whether or not my sense is common, or if it is in fact the result of some eccentric thought pattern that I possess and implement with regularity. A common complaint of the human condition, is that people don't "understand" one another. I think that this stems from a lack of wanting to be understood. The brain is the only place that you can obtain true individuality, and to share that with others might negate the conscious effort to be "special."

Is it a reasonable action to grant someone access into your private thoughts? The ones you hide from society, your family and friends, perhaps even your dog. I believe that there is a location inside the self that contains all of a persons' unabridged hopes, fears, expectations, and harsh lessons learned. Theologians place this center in the heart, Scientists consider it the brain, and still others simply define this as the soul, or total being. In order to let someone pick apart your thoughts, there has to be an unmatched amount of trust involved. Trust that the observer/listener won't take your thoughts and hold them against you, slander your name, or use your own thoughts as fodder for your destruction.

For someone that has little faith in humanity as a whole, this is a colossal task. My soul is buried deep under layers of black humor, wit, sarcasm, and a general aversion to people that I don't know. I'd like to figure out exactly how to give someone the ability to walk around and view my thoughts as if they were an organized group of pictures, ideas, and philosophies. As it stands now, I have trouble verbalizing my idiosyncrasies to those I care about, because often they are mistranslated somewhere in between my cerebrum and my mouth. I bet it's the nose that the information gets distorted in. Damn nose. Either way, the verbage that falls from my sharp tongue could probably be considered mentally profound daft. I can't begin to describe the nonlinear thought patterns that govern the traffic of my mind, that no logical person could ever follow. There are no maps, no directions, and most of the time no real explanations. All I can offer are fragmentary hints at reason, that might or might not even be correctly percieved and cling to the hope that my loved ones aren't put off by my quixotic nature.

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not. You might be the crazy one, for all I know.

Trust.

I think it's fair to say that I am a middle of the road, average person [not really]. However, my childhood was neither hard, nor easy. There are many times in my life that I have had to rely on my trust for people, and humanity in general, and they/it have failed me. I tend to never learn anything the simple way, but always by harsh lesson to be taught by the coldest of personalities.

From the ages of 15, to well... a few weeks ago, I had only really trusted a quantity of people that I could count on one hand. I have relied on myself for happiness, which has been slightly difficult to attain. In theory, I know all the keys to happiness and a life full of laughter and glee. In practice, I have found that I am apparently full of shit and just lying to myself. It should be easy, I think. I think. Perhaps that is the source of my problems in general... having an over-active brain. My brain sabotages itself repeatedly, filling with bile and hatred, imagining scenarios that have less that a .001% chance of ever happening. Those are the ones that play out fully in my mind, and take up most of my active thought. "Stop doing that" is some great advice, if I could figure out how.

The reason I bring this all up, is because I'm trying a totally different approach right now. The wonderfully amazing woman that I am seeing, makes me want to give real trust a try. The situation that we are in is more complicated than calculus to a pre-schooler. There are a lot of things in the next few months that are going to try me as an individual, as a boyfriend, and as a man in general. I hope that I can rise to the challenge, because the potential is too great to quit on. A lot of people would say I'm foolish, rushing into things, not considering the outcome, and just having a general disregard for what is reasonable. Well, who cares. Maybe I am, but this is where I am right now. I am putting everything that I am on the line, and if this fails it will be the biggest blow to my heart I've ever experienced.

I am resilient, of strong character, and I have an unsubstantiated faith that everything will turn out alright in the end like a cheesy hollywood movie. It figures that the biggest influences in my life are teachings of people that lived hundreds of years before me, in a different culture altogether. The Dalai Lama (thanks AJ), Buddha, Bob Marley, and other influential people to the world. So, I'll cross my fingers, hold my breath, knock on wood and try not to find any black cats to cross my path for the next 16 weeks.

Ready, go.

Letters Again.

These are to the people that live with or around me, I've had just about enough.

To all concerned:

First off, I know that there are actually NONE of you that are concerned about the 3 of us in the building that have to sleep during the day, thanks to our night work schedules. So we'll skip ahead to the personal attacks.

Dear Roommate,

Dude. I understand that your wife is a controlling psycho, and should probably invest in a ball gag. This is based on what I can pick up from your daytime shout matches en espanol, that makes me sound like I am on the set of a Puerto Rican soap opera. I swear to god I'm going to take apart your computer at night while you sleep, and disable your video card. And if you could please not leave your wet laundry hanging over MY bed, that would be cool as well. Oh, and maybe one more thing. Go see a medic, as soon as possible. There is something wrong with shitting yourself as hard as you do in your sleep. I saw your sheets fly off the bed one time man, that ain't right. I think it's aids.

Dear Guy Across the Hall,

Motherfucker. If you keep yelling to my roommate from your side of the building at lunchtime, I'm going to stab you. No warning, you are getting shanked in the hallway. He doesn't even like you anyways, which is why he doesn't answer. (or he is on skype screaming at his wife, again) This of course, only makes you louder to the point that you bang on the door. Keep it up champ, keep it up.

Dear Guy in the Room to My Left,

Come on man, everyone locks their keys in their place at least once in their lives. You apparently do it on purpose, because every day at some random time you must scale the plywood walls that surround our domociles, knocking shit off of my shelf and onto my head. Because you insist on always wearing the correct uniform (tool), I'm going to tie your key to a long string. The other end is going on your boot, so your key is forced to follow you around like a small child. If you fail at that, I'm just going to make it so your door doesn't ever lock. No one is going to steal your shit you asshat, which is why everyone leaves their doors open anyway.

Dear Guy in the Room to My Right,

Where the fuck did you get your lightbulb? I imagine you picked it up directly from the FUCKING SUN! Seriously, how is it that in the middle of the day, your light generates more power than what goes on outfuckingside. I get blasted with photons right about the time I'm trying to sleep because your wombat eyes won't adjust to natural light, and you can for some reason never find any of your shit.

Dear Guy Somewhere Down the Hall,

Yeah you know who the fuck you are, stop playing your cheesy ass mariachi bullshit in the mornings. "Ay, ay, ay ayyyy" doensn't pump anyone up. I want to gorilla stomp your radio back to its natural elements. Except for plastic, which does not exist in nature. But I digress, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR MUSIC, that's why headphones were introduced to the modern world. Get on it dude.

Dear Rooster That Used to Live Outside my Window,

You were delicious.

More letters, more random people.

Dear Guy next to me at the bar,

Shut the fuck up. Really dude, I don't care that you are going to an orphanage to cook stew in the Ukraine. I'm far more concerned about this 1/2 price shot with every beer that they have going on right now. This is why I showed up to the airport early, not to talk to your Fabio haircut with non- Fabio face, guy.

Dear Japanese Musical Chair Representative,

Boarding the plane isn't a gameshow, you twat. Just because there are 39 people in your group, who all want to decide their own seats, regardless of the indicated location on their GOD DAMN TICKET, you caused our flight to leave 18 minutes late. Guess what fuckstick, you caused me to miss out on the noodle house in Tokyo. I hate your fucking face, and if I see your clip-board, I'm punting it.

Dear Everyone at Tokyo Narita Airport Today,

Really? REALLY? I still don't understand how people refuse to get into lines. It's a proven psychological fact that humans will stand in lines when they are present, even if they don't know why! Come on people, get it together. You do realize that there are 67 fucking rows on this airplane, right? Thanks for making that plane late too, by resembling a massive goat rodeo, with no clowns to keep you all organized.

Dear Northwest Airlines,

I regret to inform you that you in fact, suck ass. Not only are your planes the temperature equivalent of a holocaust oven, but your flight nazis (ahem, i mean... attendants) are rude. That doesn't sit well for a restless guy on an 11 hour flight. Especially when you short change my $5 alcoholic beverage by not giving me the WHOLE FUCKING SODA. It's a can of soda lady, don't fuck me on this one...they took my lube at security.

Dear makers of the movie "The Fall",

It's called rehab guys, look it up. That Robert Downy Jr character should still be there, he can show you around. Your movie made Amy Whinehouse look like normal enough to consider marrying. Shit, maybe it's ME that should lay off the booze.

Update.

Alright so this thing is in need of an update. Bear with me here, this might not be in any specific order.

First, and update on the girlfriend. Yeah, I'm calling it like it is. We've been talking enough to decide that it would be worth it to give it a shot as a couple. I don't have any secrets with her, which is nice. I'm still going to have to work on the trust thing, but that's a constant battle with me anyways. There is a lot of potential though, and I realize that I'm putting my heart on the line again, and could possibly get crushed. That's alright with me though, it's better than sitting on the sidelines forever. I like the person that I am right now, and she likes me for me.

Still been trying to figure out how to go about things after the deployment is over though, there are so many things to consider. We are taking things slowly though, and letting things play out on their own. Having a smart person of the other side of a relationship makes it so much easier.

My grandfather is still alive, and still making jokes.

I'm completely tired of the army's bullshit. It'll be another week before I can fly, so I'll just sit here and wait I guess. Only about 5 months to go though, I can't wait.

More later maybe, I'm going to take a nap.

Well, yeah.

[I wasn't sure if I was even going to post this, but then I considered the fact that everyone who reads this is a friend. I wrote this on the plane ride home, after the very last time I will ever see him.]

The bravest man I have ever known

His name is Edward Rich Jr, and he is truly a man among men. He is also my grandfather. Ever since I can remember, I have been in awe of him. I grew up half-listening to the stories he would tell my dad and his brothers about his life, not fully realizing just how amazing a life it was. He defined what it is to be a citizen of the world and a servant of mankind, something that more people should learn. He held jobs in the local, state and federal government. A part of more organizations than I can count with my hands, nothing has been too large a task for him. He taught me to never look down on anyone, but also never to look up either. Look at everyone as your equal, he said. You can learn something from everyone.

He is staring down the barrel of the loaded gun called life, with the promise of death. Still, he does not tremble. He does not cry and beg for mercy, he merely holds his head up high and smiles. Only a man that has truly lived can laugh at death, and not be burdened with guilt or sadness. I hope that as I grow older and [hopefully] wiser, I will face life with the same amount of courage. Saying goodbye to him for the very last time didn’t feel like much of a goodbye, really. He’s convinced that we will all meet again in the next go ‘round, and I am inclined to believe him.

When I told him that I would pour a shot out for him when he passes on, he chuckled. He told me that such things aren’t to be wasted, and if I want I can pour an extra shot in a glass, and drink it myself. The world will be losing a friend, and my family will be losing an icon and the cornerstone of greatness. He leaves behind a legacy however, of kindness, passion, intelligence, and a love of life that is unrivaled.

Things in my life that I credit to that great man; my love of science and the ability to understand it, an unbridled curiosity for how things work, the ability to bring the child in me everywhere, my sense of humor and sharp wit, a love of travel, and perhaps most importantly… my own love of life and everything in it. I am determined to become something great, even if only a few people will know it as I lay on my deathbed.

“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is merely the ability to recognize fear and walk forward boldly anyway.”